BREAKING NEWS from MoT‘s Department of Sleuthing and Stealthy Covertness: although the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee appears to have gone off with nary a hitch (no small feat considering the potential for nervous horses, tarnished silver, and fascinator malfunctions), the Royal world came to the brink of disaster at an otherwise garden-variety meet-and-greet at the Royal Academy of Arts. Astonishingly, the hero was a nasty, ugly, horrible tie.
The photographic evidence above reveals the near-volatile situation that might have been unleashed by dangerous levels of handsomeness. Longtime Taste favorite Michael Sheen and Tasty newcomer Tom Hiddleston were allowed to coexist in a few cubic meters of space (there’s a reason they didn’t share any screen time in Midnight in Paris and it’s not plot-related). Precarious as this equation might have been, it COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE: MoT understands that just prior to the photo above being snapped, King Crumpet Colin Firth was standing in the immediate vicinity, but was–in the very nick of time–tackled and replaced by the mystery man in the horrible, but life-saving tie. The obviously shaken Oscar-winner was quoted as saying “no one likes to be part of such a violent and near-earth-shattering incident, but, being as swoonfully introspective and handsomely thoughtful as I am, I intend to use this to make myself even more so and, you know, generally firthier.”
No doubt planted by MI6, the as-yet unidentified man–or, rather, his astonishingly repulsive neckwear (so fantastically ugly that it distracted any of our attention at all from Messrs. Hiddleston and Sheen) thus prohibited an impossibly handsome photo from being circulated world-wide and the resultant, cataclysmic chain reaction estrogen surge that would have been a more powerful force than any jolt from the Tesseract. You think an inter-dimensional portal opening to the dread power of a Chitauri army is a problem? You don’t know anything.
The entire Matters of Taste staff and its global network of partners and allies extends its heartfelt thanks to the nameless mystery man and his dustrag, which we hope and pray was a Father’s Day gift, since no one should grow to adulthood with that level of taste. But then again, we recognize that this event reveals that once in a while, bad taste is not only acceptable, but may be downright lifesaving.
UPDATE: IT COULD HAVE BEEN EVEN WORSE! It was revealed later in the evening that outside of the event, Bono barred Daniel Craig from even crossing the threshold–not by force, but by the mere threat of another speech about global poverty, climate change, social injustice and/or threats to publish his knowledge of Craig’s lax approach to separating the aluminum from the paper in recycling bins.