truisms for a tastier Christmas

Roast Beast should always be served medium-rare, and shared with good friends.

C-9 lights are superior to LED and chaser lights.

Christmas cards should be signed by hand.  If you can’t manage that, don’t bother.

Crappy new holiday-themed songs by contemporary pop stars should not be played in public.

Everyone needs more Nat King Cole.

Decorate your tree with more ornaments made by little hands and fewer ornaments that make you worry about little hands getting too close to the tree.

The best bosses act like post-ghost Ebenezer Scrooge, all year.

For the month of December, the USDA Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion’s Dietary guidelines should replace “whole grains” with “cookies” and “low-fat milk products” with “eggnog.”

Factory-packaged Panettone and Bûche de Noël should be avoided, as should all fruitcake, no matter how good someone promises this recipe is.  Shun them all.

You should have Christmas Eve dessert for Christmas Day breakfast.

More activities should require neither batteries nor electricity.

Stores with regular hours and regular prices are better.

More Magi (and/or Max the Reindeer-dog) and less McCallister is better.

There should be an additional Lady Dancing to fulfill the age-old Christmas wish of that lonely tenth Lord-a-Leaping.

Dress up.  Little girls should have big bows and patent leather shoes.  Little boys should wear velvet vests and ties until they are strong enough to fight you to get out of them.  Gents, if you can pull off a turtle neck and blazer, do it.  Ladies, you do not have to freeze to be fashionably festive: open-toe shoes and/or lack of hosiery looks really dumb in snow.

Allow cats to climb in the Christmas tree.

Dress dogs in sweaters and funny hats.

Lawn decorations should strive for thematic clarity: choose one per lawn (the Away In A Manger OR Santa’s Workshop), or if you can’t decide between them, they should be clearly separated, if not for theological reasons, then to avoid the uncomfortable juxtaposition of camels and snow men.  (Elves and/or toy soldiers might be given a Roman army makeover to provide a reasonable barrier between them.)

Santa should replace his team of flying reindeer with DRAGONS.

Rudolph would be SO out of a job. And, the kids won’t dare creep out of their rooms after bed time.

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