kitchen geek: “Goblet of Fire” edition

The main course (unless you are slow, in which case: YOU are the main course)

Having already tackled the gastro-literary adventures of Chomping in the Chamber of Secrets (read all about it here) and The Not-Last Meal of the Prisoner of Azkaban (read all about it here), MoT‘s Literary Liason and Noshing Nutritionist is here to thrill Potterrific palettes with a Tri-Wizard Tri-Course Championship Banquet (you are reading about it, right here, right now).  The menu is presented here so you too can nosh along while screening the film version of the book, as MoT staff did recently (but after reading the book, of course).

The First Task

Behold: Grindylow Gumbo with Gillyweed Garnish

Preparation: Sing the following lines with head fully submerged in pot for best effect:

“Ginger, cabbage, shrimp and Thai spices take,

“Stir ’til it looks like a murky lake,

“An hour long the pot will need to simmer,

“Until this soup is ready for your dinner.”

Note: No, of course this isn’t made with “real grindylows.”  That would be far too expensive and they’re out of season now anyway.  Duh.

Service: Garnish with gillyweed stolen from your Potions Master.  Gillyweed is no fun to get stuck between your teeth; but then again, it’s not as bad as getting stuck by a Merperson’s trident.  Deal.

The Second Task

Behold: Wing of Hungarian Horntail

Preparation: The Hungarian Horntail is the meanest, foulest and craftiest of dragonkind.  If you can bag one before it bags you, prepare thusly (or else face gamey, stringy meat): soak for several hours in buttermilk before dredging in flour mixed with spices (heavy on the paprika–a natural match for the meat) (they’re both from Hungary, get it?).  Conjure a massive pan (for quick frying in oil) and a ginormous oven (to finish cooking).

Note: Most poultry is served as “wings,” (note plural).  But since the Horntail is the largest of all dragon breeds, one wing will feed your village.  (See photo, in which a chocolate van–always at the ready in case of mass Dementor attack–is parked next to the wing we prepared for our banquet.)

Service: There is no service for a piece of meat this size; the only appropriately-scaled garnish might be an entire felled tree, but you probably cut down a good portion of your village forest to stoke the fire to cook this beast.  Dispense with the formality.  Invite everyone to go at it like a Troll of Nadroj.

The Third Task

Behold: The Dark Lord’s Dark Chocolate Cauldron

Preparation: Melt chocolate and stir in cream; turn mixture into Size One self-heating cauldron (the kind Muggles adorably call a “fondue pot”).  Prepare plate with dippable treats, which are edible suggestions of the following:

“Bone of the father, unwillingly given (pretzel sticks).

“Flesh of the servant, willingly sacrificed (strawberries).

“Love-handles of the eater, regretfully gained (marshmallows).”*

Service: Everyone knows that, finally, “Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken” is required of this spell (I mean recipe).  Read “spirit” for “blood” and you can make a good choice of what liquid to pour into the cauldron when serving the Cauldron at the table.  After a quick incendio incantation, voilà et bon appetit:

*Additional text not included in the published version of the Goblet taken from a rare, tossed-out manuscript discovered by MoT Dumpster-Diving Celebrity Stalkers in J. K. Rowling’s trash bins.


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